So here's another entry yet again on romance. It's the one subject I just can't escape, try as I might. It's an ever-present longing, really. Sometimes I am able to quiet it, and sometimes it is loud and demanding, forcing my attention.

I want very much to be loved and to love someone in return. I want to get married someday, and I want to know my future husband for a few years before I place a ring on his finger. As I've pondered these ideas, I thought about why I've been craving romance so much lately. I've attributed the ever-raging desire to seeing romance develop in the lives of my friends. And that may have something to do with it, but I wanted romance long before they had it. I've considered that maybe it's just my age, that since I'm growing up I want a grown-up life and grown-up relationships. And perhaps my 19 years of life are leading me to want romance here and now, I don't think the number of my days is why I feel the need to be loved so badly. As I've been struggling with loneliness, I thought maybe that was why, that I wanted a boyfriend so I wouldn't feel lost in the shuffle anymore. I figured I wanted romance so that I would feel as if I were a part of something, that I was special to someone. And that's closer to the truth, but it doesn't cover every aspect.

I've been honest with myself lately, and took an honest look at my heart. Then I asked the question yet again: Why now, at this precise time in my life, has it been so important for me to find and know romantic love, to find that Mr. Right? I admitted that my search for my future groom has been so pressing lately because my heart has been hurting and overwhelmed and I simply want him to fix it, to fix me.

I've been wanting to meet this man so badly because I was holding out hope that he could mend the wounds I own, that he could make the sadness vanish, that he could fill me up and make me whole. It is very difficult to believe that you are captivating in a world where models size 6 and under grace magazine covers. It is very difficult to feel pretty when you forget that said models are airbrushed to look the way they do. It is very difficult to feel like you are worth anything without someone constantly telling you that you are. This is one of the reasons I've been craving a boyfriend so badly: So that he could reassure me that I am indeed captivating, that I am lovely and worth his glances.

My heart has been wounded. This happened long ago, but the wound still feels fresh and tender. I have attempted to give it to God many times, but I'm honestly not quite sure how. Because of that, I still hang on to it. When it breaks open and bleeds, my heart is overwhelmed and heavy. This is the second reason I sought a man: So that he could heal my wound and leave me without a scar.

I understand now that I can't expect another human being to fix me. I can't imagine this man meeting me and saying, "Okay, now that I've found you, I need you to make me whole here, and I need you to fix this problem, and I need you to make me feel strong here..." A relationship based on that sort of hope would never work out. It would be unfair for me to view a man as a sort of Mr. Fix-It.

I've always said that God won't send us our future mate unless we're content with only Him. I'm not sure if that's true or not, because I don't like placing limits on what God does and doesn't do, but I believe our contentedness with God will help a relationship. Unless we have our hearts secured in His hands, we will always be searching for fulfillment in a person that can't, hard as he or she might try, give it to us.

I've been reading through the book of Exodus lately, which is one of my favorites in all of Scripture. It is basically the story of God promising His people redemption and greatness, them expecting it to be easy, them getting tired and selfish when it isn't easy, and Him following through on His promise in spite of their idols and doubts. It stands as a reminder that God does have a plan, but knowing that plan, and especially following that plan, is not easy. I identify with Moses so much, that feeling of being so overwhelmed. Following Christ so often feels overwhelming because when I look at the big picture, I know I can never live up to expectations. But I must remember that God expects nothing of me. I must remember I don't have to be worthy to come to Him. There are so many basic truths I too often forget.

Something my father often says is that God won't reveal His plan for our lives until we are willing to follow it. If that's true, as I believe it is, it makes sense that God has not decided to bring my future spouse to me yet. I am not ready. I am not near ready. There is still so much work to be done on me, still so much life I need to experience on my own. There are still so many places inside me that I need to take to God and have Him heal before I can be the wife, or even the girlfriend, I know I want to be. Along with the healing of my wounds, I know I will also receive a lesson in patience.

And now, words to a Sufjan Stevens song that I feel is a fitting ending:

I'd swim across lake Michigan
I'd sell my shoes
I'd give my body to be back again
In the rest of the room

To be alone with you
To be alone with you
To be alone with you
To be alone with you

You gave your body to the lonely
They took your clothes
You gave up a wife and a family
You gave your ghost

To be alone with me
To be alone with me
To be alone with me
To be alone with me

To be alone with me
You went up on a tree

I've never met a man who loved me

1 Comments

at 4:14 PM  Rocky Mountain Princess said...

God promises us the desires of our heart, and He would not give us those desires, if He was not going to fulfill them at the right time, IN ORDER. The God that we serve is an orderly God and he does everything step-by-step. Matthew 6:33 promises us that if we seek Him first, everything else will fall into place. It doesn't matter if it is in the area of finances, family, friends, or yes, even love. Keep your eyes focused on God, make it your determination to fall in love with Him and seek His face; then watch how everything in your life starts clicking together the way it is supposed to. God has a perfect plan for you, for all of us. He has given us every special talent, every gift, every tool that we will need to fulfill His calling for us; I believe that means He also created us perfect for the mate that He has chosen for you. Hebrews 13:5 promises us that He "will never leave thee, nor forsake thee." You are not alone and Romans 8:28 promises us that ALL things will work to the good for those that love Him. He said ALL things, not just some. And I'm confident that includes this period of lonliness and longing that you're going through. A practical suggestion besides keeping your eyes focused on God? I have decided to profess that God has a man chosen for me and refuse to contemplate anything else. And as such, I have started to prepare for when the time comes God brings Him into my life. Part of how I'm doing that, is writing letters to Him in a notebook that I plan on giving him on our wedding night. Live your life like he is already a part of it and continue to grow in your relationship with Our Savior. Don't get caught up in the circumstances, in what you can see... and don't put Our God in a box. Have faith, trust, and KNOW that your Heavenly Daddy has only your best interests at heart and he knows you one day want to be married to a man who will return love for a lifetime. So just... Be still and know that He IS God.

I hope this helps in some way...

 

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