I think one of my biggest struggles when it comes to faith is that I haven't been allowing God to name me. I have wrestled so much lately with failure and a seemingly endless cycle of self-addiction. I felt God didn't hear my prayers because of my sin. Then I wondered if that was true if He ever heard any prayers at all since I am human and always sinning, even when I might not know it. I am trapped in flesh.
I question so much sometimes. I get so wrapped up in the theology. I have made my Christianity so complex and twisted. Really, Christianity can be summed up by saying that God loves His people and will do anything to win their hearts.
I had decided, though, that I wasn't worthy of His pursuit anymore. I told myself to stop trying because I could never be "good" or at least good enough. I have let my own doubts name me as a Failure. I have let Satan name me Unworthy. I have let my wound name me as Ugly. I had forgotten that God calls me His daughter. And fathers always love their daughters, regardless of their selfishness or struggles or addictions. They love them without condition, the way God loves me.
Another struggle I constantly face is simply that I am always hoping to figure out God. I think that maybe if I read one more book or hear one more sermon that God and His ways will suddenly make sense. But to expect God to make any sense at all is an unattainable dream. God is too beyond my very small mind.
And while I do not understand all of God's aspects or understand why He chooses to continually pursue me, I believe that I am loved and wanted and desired. And this is in no way my doing. It is only grace that makes love possible.
One of Satan's greatest tools, I think, is causing people to forget the grace of God. When a person forgets about grace, they will wrestle with guilt. Shame will name them as Dirty. They will feel like a failure, like they will never quite be enough.
Most people don't help uncover these lies, however, including me. How often do I encourage? How often do I forgive someone who hasn't asked for it? How often do I truly treat someone as Jesus would?
Again, I was reminded the other night that I have to start accepting the love of God. Without accepting God's love, I will never get anywhere at all. I used to wonder how to accept God's love, but I think I figured it out. Accepting God's love starts with rejecting Satan's lies. It starts with denouncing the message of my wound. It starts with realizing that I will
never be worthy, but that through the grace of God I am claimed anyway.
It's amazing how light my heart felt after being reminded of the grace of God. I just sat in the middle of my bed, sobbing. I hid my face and just allowed myself to weep for a moment, out of sheer brokenness and amazed joy.
To close, one of my favorite pieces of Scripture that always makes me feel captivating...
"'In that day,' declares the Lord, 'you will call me 'my Husband'; you will no longer call me 'my master.'"
Hosea 2:16
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