I often carry around this sense of failure. I often feel that I have failed as a follower of Christ, as a woman, a friend, or simply a human being. If I pray or spend some time with Scripture, I always feels like I could have done both longer. I often catch a glimpse in the mirror and think I have somehow failed as a woman, that there is very little, if any, beauty in the image before me. I will hesitate to call someone when I know they want to talk to me simply because I am tired and don't feel like chatting; then I feel I am failing them as a friend. Jesus said to clothe the naked, to feed the hungry, and to love the worst of humanity but I don't do much about any of those things. Then I feel as if I am failing on the most basic human level, that I do not care near enough about the person next to me. I have mentioned that I am in the middle of co-leading a book study for the girls in my church's youth group. I wonder every week as we meet what they could possibly learn from me about God or about the female heart. I so often doubt God and I can count on one hand the number of times I have felt truly captivating.

I have thought about God a lot lately. I have thought about all the things I should be doing but am not. I have thought about how undeserving I am to come before Him with anything. I have felt that all I have to give Him is left over pocket change and that even that has been tainted, simply because my fingers have touched it.

I know God is a gracious God, but for some reason I just can't seem to accept that. I believe that if Hitler or Stalin or Hussein called out to God at the last moments of their lives, He would have saved them. Yet I have a hard time believing that God does the same for me.

Last night was an event held for the girls in the book study. We arranged six rooms and each had a theme that matched a chapter in the book we're going through. The church was mostly dark. We had two hundred candles lit, so the mood was very dreamy. In the rooms were interactive things we had the girls go through to simply help them reflect on whatever it was that God was hopefully saying to them. In one room, we had posters hung on the walls with each of the girls' names on them. We had every girl go through and write down something that they found beautiful about their peers. I took the posters home to give out to the girls later and was looking through them when I got home last night. I was amazed at the level of depth in some of their comments to one another. I was amazed at the love I saw, the patience, and the kindness. I was moved by what they wrote under my name, but one comment struck me more than the others. One girl told me that she had looked up to me for years, ever since I came to the church I am at now. I was amazed that anyone at all could look at me and feel the need to follow my steps. I wanted to call this girl and tell her that she could find much better role models; I could have given her some numbers.

I thought about her words today at work, a day that did not leave me feeling worthy or captivating in any way. But as I thought about what she said, and as I pictured in my mind the people I respect and love the most, I saw a theme: no one, even those I so revere, is anywhere near holy. Those who I place so high above myself, those whose prayers are always so eloquent, those who always show kindness, they are no less flawed than I am. Since that is true, it logically follows that if those people can be used to speak into my life, then I suppose there is a chance for my life to be used in a similar fashion.

There's a Jars of Clay song that I have been listening to incessantly this week. It says what I am currently thinking about and feeling far better (and far more compact) than I am now...


Shoot a dream in your arm and sleep away
It's not the stuff that kills you that keeps your life at bay
Every crash pulls you in reach
Of a watershed of signal flares that cover your beach

These are just placebos to make us feel all right
Illusions in our pockets make our feathers float us high
For a second I thought I saw your eyelids rise
A moment, something restless caught you by surprise
Surprise, surprise

We are so beautiful when we sleep
Hearts of gold and eyes so deep, deep, deep
But love won't cure the chaos
And hope won't hide the loss
And peace is not the heroine that shouts above the cause
And love is wild for reasons
And hope, though short in sight
Might be the only thing that wakes you by surprise


Consider me slightly woken.

I am just now learning that life's biggest, most important lessons do not come from a thundrous voice in the heavens, but instead in little snippets of thought we are not capable of thinking on our own.

1 Comments

at 9:56 PM  Amber said...

If we were perfect, then why would we even need Jesus? He tells us, "my strength is made perfect in your weakness."

Jesus is perfect, so that we don't have to be. There's grace and freedom in that. Not to go out and sin as much as we possibly can, but to know we can approach the throne of God without fear of condemnation when we do fall short. He already knows that we will, He even told us that, "all will fall short of the glory of God." But then He tells us in Romans 8:1 that "there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus who walk not after the flesh, but by my Spirit."

It doesn't matter where you're at, it's where your heart is. And life is not a destination, but a journey.

I couldn't, nor would I, presume to know your heart. Only you and Jesus know that. Perhaps it may be wise to start asking Him to reveal to you how HE sees you - clothed in garments of white, purified by Jesus's own blood. How beautiful we all must look when viewed with our spiritual eyes, where we see Jesus in our hearts... instead of all the failures and short-comings of being human.

I know you don't respond to comments, at least not that I've seen... but if you'd ever like to talk, feel free to email me:

amber.roach@gmail.com

That young woman in your Bible study group is not the only one out there that looks up to you. How silly must you think it that a stranger, someone who's only crossed your path by the firing of electricity and complex systems, has come to respect you to the point of looking up to you?

God Bless you... remember to keep your eyes on Him and look to Him for your self-esteem and self-confidence. If it rooted in Him, then there is nothing wrong with it.

 

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